Stephen Colbert Mocks Trump’s Failed Bid to Delay Hush-Money Trial

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‘His Crimes Are the News!’

An appeals court judge on Monday denied Donald Trump’s request to postpone his criminal trial in Manhattan stemming from a hush-money deal with a porn star. His lawyers unsuccessfully argued that the former president couldn’t get a fair trial in New York because potential jurors were exposed to news reporting on his other recent legal issues.

“So are you saying members of the jury can’t have seen any news about Donald Trump’s crimes?” Stephen Colbert said. “His crimes are the news!”

“[Imitating Trump’s attorney] Your honor, it is only fair that our client be judged by an impartial jury who knew nothing about the events in America over the last nine years. Might I recommend 12 confused men who were dropped off in a forest as infants and then raised by wolves, or, if they’re not available, could we acquire some clone babies that have been rapidly aged in some sort of machine and then released into the jury box. Oh, they think he’s guilty, too? OK.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“You were president — the whole country has a bias. The only way you’re getting a juror who doesn’t know you is if it’s randomly Tiffany.” — SETH MEYERS

The judge released a questionnaire on Monday for potential jurors, with questions like “whether they believe in QAnon, use Truth Social, or attend Trump rallies,” Jimmy Fallon said on Tuesday. “In other words, he wants to know, ‘Are you Marjorie Taylor Greene?’”

“‘Has former [President] Trump ever buried you or anyone you love on one of his golf courses?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“I wish I could get in on questioning these potential jurors. I feel like I’d be so good at it. ‘And one final question, sir: Does your truck have nuts?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“But this is a reminder that college is too expensive. Tuition, room and board, books, a computer to create a social network that’ll someday ruin democracy. It adds up.” — MICHAEL KOSTA

“Now some critics are saying that this student loan forgiveness is just a cynical bribe by Joe to give young people what they want so they vote for him. And they’re right — it’s an ancient tactic called politics.” — MICHAEL KOSTA

The Bits Worth Watching

Conan O’Brien returned to “The Tonight Show” for the first time in 14 years on Tuesday.

The “Civil War” star Kirsten Dunst will sit down with Seth Meyers on Wednesday’s “Late Night.”

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